I heard something so cool yesterday.

I may not be the handsomest, richest, most talented, or most successful person I know. But I reckon I’m right up there in appreciating, and feeling appreciated by, my sweetheart.

It took me a minute for that to really sink in. That’s such a superpower – the capacity to really lean in to appreciating what is, to communicate that successfully to the other person, and to receive the appreciation that is coming back.

It doesn’t mean ignoring the friction. In fact, it feels so much safer to raise niggles when they arise when conflict happens against the background of a deep appreciation.

How often do we fail to give or receive appreciation, to ourselves or to others, because we paying more attention to what isn’t there, than to what is?

Our minds have a habit of constantly focusing on the gap between how we want things to be, and how things are. And minimising or missing entirely, things that are satisfying or improving. This is how we are wired to keep us safe.

But, what we pay attention to becomes our reality. So we can end up with it magnified feelings of dissatisfaction and stay stuck in viewing ourselves and others as never good enough. And when we are in the frame of mind of not-good-enough, we are less likely to perceive, or receive, when others are offering us love or kindness or a compliment. We literally don’t feel it as true. And it often doesn’t feel safe to loosen our grip on the feeling that nothing’s-right-here.

Have you had the experience of being in a bad mood, and someone giving you a compliment? And your brain responds with a cascade of “that’s not true because …” thoughts. The compliment doesn’t feel true because it doesn’t resonate with your brain’s focus on what’s not going well.

Appreciation is a habit of mind that can be cultivated, and an antidote to lots of what causes us suffering. It is a gateway to authentic relationship with self as well as with others, a facilitator of learning, and a gateway to joy and contentment.

It takes conscious cultivation because we need to convince our brains that it is safe to loosen up on the “what’s going wrong” frame. And we have to use our wisdom to tell the difference between things that really do need our focus to make some different choices, and what things need a focus on a change of mindset.

I use appreciative enquiry with myself and my clients as way to widen our perspectives when we are stuck in low self-worth, perfectionism, or relationship conflict. And it can be useful to observe what friction dissolves with appreciation, and what remains and requires some action.

Here are some appreciation cultivation ideas for home practice.

1. Gratitude journalling can be a wonderful practice to cultivate our habit of consciously paying attention to what we would like to grow and flourish.

This can be as simple as writing down, “Today I am grateful for …”.

2. Start your day with an intention to notice and verbalise what you appreciate in others throughout your day. Notice how it changes your experience through the day.

3. Start your day with an intention to notice when others appreciate you, and to verbally accept their appreciation. Notice what automatic thoughts and feelings arise that may initially not accept their appreciation. Visualise their words of appreciation seeping in, and softening that resistance.

Let me know — How does it change things, to allow yourself to feel appreciated?

Appreciation medicine

This messy life