Guilty information

What does guilt have to tell us?

Maybe it’s a strange question. Guilt is a feeling most of us spend our energy trying NOT to feel. We can organise whole days around avoiding it. Whole relationships, sometimes.

And here’s the tender part. When we let guilt drive, it’s often driving us away from what matters most to us.

What does guilt-in-the-driver’s-seat look like?

Overfunctioning: Saying yes to everything. Extra shifts, another volunteer committee, making the cake for the fundraiser. Saying no feels like a small crime.

Avoidance: You want something from me that I don’t want to give. So I avoid the conflict by avoiding the relationship. And the guilt grows.

Capitulation: When you ask for something from me, it feels like there’s no way to balance my needs with yours. Setting any limits at all sets off a guilt avalanche, so I continually say yes and resentment builds.

Different flavours. And in every case, the guilt is driving you away from your authentic “yes”. And everytime act from the guilt, it seems to get stronger and stronger.

The belief underneath

Underneath the avoidance there’s usually a belief at work. It might be one of these:

Other people’s feelings matter more than mine

People only like me when I do what they want

People won’t think I’m a good person if I ever disappoint them

These are learned beliefs - you didn’t ask for them. Many of us - especially women - learned along the way that our needs matter less, and that our value to other people is in our capacity to sacrifice our own needs for theirs.

That’s worth questioning. What would it mean, to say that one human being’s needs are less than another’s?

The great news is, beliefs can be changed.

The story

Sometimes guilt is locked into a story - a story about what the other person will think or feel about you. You imagine her disappointment. His anger. And that imagined reaction becomes the driver.

This is important to say - I’m not telling you that you are wrong. But it’s worth asking, is this story actually about this person and this situation? Or is it a holdover from something / someone else?

Are you sure that it is 100% of the truth?

If that story is unchallenged because it lives in your head, untested with the person, two things happen.

First, you never get to find out what’s actually going on. Avoidance keeps the story sealed. Reality never gets a chance to fact check it. And the story stays frozen in time.

Second, you never get the opportunity to explore the possibility of a reset where your needs matter AND the other person’s do too. The space is possible to create, but it takes interrupting the avoidance long enough to make it possible.

The antidote

It starts with noticing. (I know, I always say that). It’s brave to start noticing when guilt is driving - or when avoidance of guilt is driving.

And before you go any further, stop for a moment of compassion for the person feeling guilt - you. Guilt seems to be a universal human experience, and pretty much no one enjoys feeling guilty - so you aren’t alone. See if you can turn toward yourself with some warmth: I’m feeling some guilt. It’s a hard feeling. I’m going to be kind with myself in this moment.

Then you can get curious about what’s underneath. What am I believing right now? What’s the story I’ve concocted? What else might be true?

Try these new beliefs on for size:

My needs matter too

I’m in MY corner first

My worth doesn’t depend on someone else’s reaction to me

You don’t have to eradicate the guilt. Guilt can be a signal that there are questions of values and identity at play.

Guilt does lose its strength and power when you take it out of the driver’s seat.

Disrupting guilt and limiting beliefs and stories is at the heart of what I do at BRAVEKind.

If you’d like to do this kind of wholehearted work together, I’ve just opened a couple of spots in my new one-on-one programme called Back Yourself.‍ ‍

I’m going to spend the next six months a few women one-on-one (one spot is already taken) to ditch the guilt and overfunctioning and embrace calm confidence. Imagine what your 2027 could look like if you were deeply backing yourself!

You can book a call - free, no strings - to see if this is for you.